I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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