I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
