I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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