There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was CRYING into my vagina
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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