You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
