I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize