My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
