so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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