ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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