I'm gonna have a badass scar
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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