So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
