Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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