I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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