Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
