Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
