Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
