According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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