The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize