Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
