she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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