i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
