Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
