i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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