My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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