On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
