you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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