my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
