i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
