Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
