why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
