sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
