On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize