She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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