Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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