He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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