just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
