I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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