moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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