we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
