Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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