this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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