He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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