she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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