phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
