OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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