The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
