The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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