i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
