cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
