Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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