It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
