literally had 100 drinks last night.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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