my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
