Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Alive.
So much puke
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
