I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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