Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
