my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
