Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
