can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
