Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
