He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
