remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
