I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
