Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
