do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
