she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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