Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
